Poems by Tom Usher

THE PEACH

My best pal and I one fine summer’s day were

Walking our dogs on the beach,

When out of the shadow of a very large rock

There emerged the most beautiful peach.

 

Her contours were perfect, complexion so fair

That even the sun could not bleach,

What to do or to say when confronted this way

Was a lesson that no-one could teach.

 

We both stood in awe of this vision before

Both thinking: ‘Is this in my reach?’

The feeling was shocking - was our friendship rocking

Could this be a terrible breach?

 

We both felt the same and neither was to blame

And neither would preach or beseech,

Then from out of the vista we spied her twin sister

So now we could have a peach each!

 

 

HYSTERIA

On the wall of the convent exterior

Grew a beautiful bush of wisteria.

The original seed

Was a rosary bead

Which gave mother superior hysteria.

 

THE BINGO CALLER’S STORY

(published by anchor books 1998)

I first called bingo while still at school at the age of ‘m.o.’s chum’,

Through ‘legs eleven’ and ‘twelve one doz’ and on past ‘unlucky for some’.

National service at ‘one and eight ‘till ‘two little ducks I’d seen,

I called when I was ‘a duck and a crutch’ in a motor works canteen.

 

At ‘dirty gerty life had changed I’d a company car with expenses,

At thirty nine ‘wurzel time’ my own little business commences.

All the fours, droopy drawers’ by now I’ve two shops trading,

Five o five oh! The bubble bursts and the next seven years are degrading.

 

Then five and seven ‘varieties all’ and a new job comes along

And there I stay ‘til ‘six and five’ still calling and singing a song.

I’ve seen ‘clickety click ‘and ‘clickety crutch’ and still i don’t want to stop,

I’ll call ‘ was she worth it ?’ and ‘two fat ladies ‘til I reach the ‘top of the shop’.

 

SHELL SWAP

She sold sea shells on the sea shore

On the sea shore she sold shells.

 

Until she met a timeshare magnate

And very soon heard wedding bells.

 

In the Indian ocean on an island

Amidst the beautiful sights and smells

 

She no longer sells her sea shells

She sells sea shores in the Seychelles.

 

LOVE

Everyone has their own idea so just what I ask is love?

True love, calf love, cupboard love

Or great love from heaven above?

 

Ladies all love a love story in a book, in a film or a play,

Whilst men love a good game of football,

Or a pint on a hot summer’s day.

 

If love has so many meaning's, a thought in my head has just stuck

If in tennis love is a zero,

In cricket is love a duck?

 

INSECURITY

There are very few things in this life today that make me feel insecure

Through my beautiful rose coloured spectacles

The world is contented and pure.

 

I’m forward looking, an optomist, my eyes never drop to the floor

For years I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure!

 

CHRISTMAS CRACKERS

Christmas comes but once a year, thank goodness, it’s expensive

The range of cards and presents has got really too extensive.

 

Families getting larger prices getting worse

Fingers getting blisters from digging in the purse.

 

There’s talk about a credit crunch that’s going to cause us sorrow

But what the heck we’ll spend today and just ignore tomorrow.

 

Spend, spend, spend with cash and cards without a hint of fear

Of how we’re going to pay for it before this time next year.

 

Once we heard the Christmas bells ringing in the hills

But now the only bells we hear are the ringing of the tills.

 

Turkeys, plum puds, goodies piled so high the trollies sway

Empty the store tomorrow, they’ll be closed on Christmas Day

 

JULIUS CAESAR’S DIARY 10 am 15^th March 44 BC

Yesterday the soothsayer cried “Beware the Ides the Ides”

Today he’s playing the Coliseum and the lion is choosing the sides

I’ve marched across Europe defeating the Huns and three hundred tribes of the Gauls

But the English play cricket and attack with bats

And Boudicca’s the one with the balls

Brutus ,Cassius all my friends stand firm with their daggers drawn

To protect me from all of mine enemies these good loyal Senators are sworn

Today the whole world is my oyster everything now within reach

Mark Anthony sits writing “Friends, Romans and Countrymen”

Is he going to make a big speech?

 

MARK ANTHONY’S DIARY 10 pm 16^th March 44 B.C.

I tried to warn Caesar of treachery, things haven’t been right for a while

So I’m meeting Cleopatra tomorrow and we’re going for a cruise on the Nile

She’ll have her pet snake on her shoulder this lovely impetuous lass

And as she walks by all the fellas will cry “look at that magnificent asp.”

 

THE CABIN BOY'S CAREER

1909 The last day of March and the keel plate about to be set

For a liner to add to the White Star Line fleet the largest and costliest yet

Forty six thousand and eight hundred tons of Iron and Steel in the yard

To hammer and rivet and mould into shape would be dangerours, filthy and hard

To Michael and Pat and the rest of the men the future was seemingly bright

There'd be full employment for two or three years and food on the table each night

Michael's son Patrick just about to leave school had no wish to follow his dad

But twelve years of age and possessing no skills there was no other work to be had

So down to the docks where a kindly old Skipper said "Yes" to the lad's urgent plea

I'll take you and train you from Cabin Boy to Steward and you'll earn a good living at sea

He learned his trade well and after three years his Skipper said, "You're doing fine"

"You've proved you're worth I'll get you a berth on the biggest and best shipping line"

In Southampton Dock the excitement so tense his heart missed a beat in the panic

 

 

 

 

 

As he stepped on the gangplank to start a new life and make a career on TITANIC